still breathing

My life has been a hell of a roller coaster ride these past few days, but nothing I couldn’t handle. One of my best friends has resorted to once again reiterating that she thinks my life is some sort of manga. Maybe it is. Like with all things this year, most of the good things that have happened to me had a bad counterpart in return but I really am starting to see the pattern now. As overused as the saying goes, things truly do happen for a reason and now that I’m thinking about it, I shouldn’t take it all too personally. The universe hates everyone equally anyway.

Aside from still being subjected to how it feels to be a corporate drone after graduation, school has started and let’s just say I’ll be drowning in readings and trying to survive my thesis yet again. Like any 19-year-old, most of the things I’m interested with right now mostly involve my friends. Just this weekend we managed to prove that my August 11/12 curse still lives on. This year, I walked all the way from SMDC at Welcome Rotunda to my dorm at Dapitan at 10:30pm. I wonder what next year has in store for me.

I also got to catch up with my favorite cousin for the weekend and it felt just like old times. I’ve been doing a lot of catching up with people, now that I think about it. I guess some people truly will always have a place in our lives no matter how long they disappear.

My birthday is coming up real quick and as a treat to myself, I’ve been juggling between the idea of getting a box set of the Series of Unfortunate Events books or purchasing an Instax (this is me hinting that I wouldn’t mind receiving a gift wink wink i’m kidding ok maybe i’m not) as a little treat to myself. I don’t know why, but I’m actually looking forward to turning twenty. Nineteen was definitely an interesting year. Almost like seventeen. Almost.

never enough

“Ba’t mo hahayaan na ganyanin ka niyang tao na yan, ‘yan ba nagpapalamon sa’yo?”

“Sige umiyak ka ngayon pero kung saan ka nadapa, doon ka din tatayo.”

If you’re a friend of mine who’s asked me for advice, I’ve probably given you a pep talk with something in between the lines of the ones above.

Growing up, I had five lolas. And they were all strong and independent women who taught me a good half of all the principles and life hacks I have right now. You could say that our house was (and still is) like some sort of Women’s Union HQ.

The strongest and fiercest of them all was my Lola Nelly and after two decades of having her in my life, one of the days I have been dreading the most for as long as I can remember finally arrived — the day I would have to see a world without her.

My Lola Nelly was a lot of things.

She was a sister, a mother, and a wife, but at the same time, she was her own person. And I think that’s what I admired the most about her. She was married to a well-respected lawyer, but people didn’t just look at her and thought, “Oh that’s Mrs. Barcenas, the attorney’s wife.” She was an elementary school teacher who doubled as a businesswoman and left a mark for herself without any help, and what makes it all the more amazing is that she had nothing to begin with in the first place.

Some days, whenever she’d see me looking sad, Lola would come up to me with a laugh and say “Ako nga nagbenta ng puto diyan sa mga kalye pero tignan mo ako ngayon!” but she never meant or said it in a tone as if my feelings were invalid. Her point was always no matter how bad things may be, life comes around and falls into place. Things get better. But you must learn how to fight back. If you want something, you have to go and make it happen for yourself. No matter the odds, keep going.

I always knew that this day would come but I have come to realize that no matter how much you prepare, you’re never truly ready. I was so excited to come home today, I was going to show her a copy of my first byline on a nationwide publication because Lola was always my biggest supporter. She’d keep copies of my articles from old publications or read my winning essays over and over, she was always proud of me. If there’s anything that pains me the most right now, it’s that she won’t be there when I take the PhilSAT. I knew that her seeing me off to take the Bar was a long shot, so I took comfort in knowing that she’d probably still be here when I take the PhilSAT. That would be enough. But sometimes things don’t work out the way we planned.

Still, I was blessed to have her for nearly two decades. I could go on all night of my favorite memories of her but for this one I guess I’ll settle with that one time I needed to buy some batteries.

I was around five years old and I needed some batteries for this old toy. And since both my mother and my grandmother were businesswomen, I was taught how to save money at an early age so instead of coming up to lola and ask for money, I opted to take some out of my piggy bank. Sadly, this slightly mean lady who manned the store wouldn’t give me the batteries I needed because I lacked one peso (or was it 50 cents? i can’t remember) so I came home empty handed.

Upon seeing that sad look on my face when I got home, Lola asked where the batteries I needed were. I told her what happened and she grinned and out of her old duster’s pocket, she pulled out a thousand peso bill and told me to buy the batteries. I went up to the store, did as I was told, only to aggravate the lady who manned the store.

I was handing her a thousand pesos for something only worth twenty.

I came back home with both the thousand still intact in one hand (the lady told me i could pay next time when i had a smaller bill) and the pack of batteries on the other. I told Lola everything that happened and she laughed and gave me a wink and told me that people were funny sometimes. It wasn’t until I was older had I realized how that was actually proof of how far my Lola had made it for herself. She literally had money just laying around like there in an old duster’s pocket (goals tbh)

It may take some time for me to get used to this but I know I’ll be okay. I know you’re happy where you are. You’re with Lolo, Kuya Gerry, and Kuya Dong now and I know that the days they left were probably the hardest ones you ever had to face. Tell them I miss them (kahit annoying and bully sila sakin). Which ever end of heaven you’re all at right now is probably filled with bickering about politics, talks about law, and business, and inside jokes.

Time to say good night. I love you so much, Lola.

PS

Walang papantay sa adobo, menudo, at asado (lalo na sa asado!!!) mo. Wag ka mag-alala, kakain pa din ako ng malunggay kahit di mo na ako mababantayan.

a feeble attempt at resurrecting this blog

I have been meaning to bring this blog back to life for the longest time, but as expected, I massively failed. However, judging by my last post, I did write back in January so I couldn’t be all too hard on myself since I did try. That, and I have another blog that I update sporadically whenever I find myself unable to sleep at 2am most probably due to an extreme emotional overdrive. Why do I find it easier to maintain that blog rather than this one? Well, I promised myself that this blog would feature my adult side seeing as that I am turning twenty this year and, well, adulting isn’t all too fun to write about.

Anyway, it has been seven months into this year and I would say that it’s been great but all of the amazing moments had something as equally horrible lined up for me. I have developed a more positive disposition in life though so I’ve been looking at the glass as half full, if you could believe that. I have come to realize that things rarely ever work out the way we planned, but that’s okay because everything always falls into place somehow.

I have yet to start my internship and I am dying to get out of this house, but like I said, things have a strange way of working themselves out on their own and honestly, whenever I think about it, I think I am slowly starting to see what my mother meant when she told me that everything happens for a reason. They need me back here at home and I guess that’s the universe’s indirect way of telling me that I should be more patient with the internship waiting game.

This year has been filled with adventures so far. I got to see The Maine with Kat (hooray for the photo op!!!), and then there’s all the late nights with friends, family, and early morning contemplation. If anything, my life has been like some sort of indie coming of age film so far this year. Trust me.

I still have five months to make the best out of and honestly, I have learned so much. I hope that this year has more in store for me. I have come to let go of the things that pain me and everything else I no longer have control of. I don’t know how long I’ve stressed this to myself this year but I am reiterating it on this blog (since I’m trying to flush out old posts anyway), what’s meant to be will be, what’s not will always fall apart. And of course — what’s yours will always be yours. Some things have a strange way of finding their way back home.

Very vague, I know, but I’d rather settle for the term “enigmatic.”

Aside from keeping myself busy with matters here at home and hanging out with friends, I’ve been occupying myself with my novel and I think it would be safe to say that after three years, I am almost through. I cannot wait to share it with everyone. Writing truly is a process and for some time when I went back to working on it, I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I finish you sooner?” it wasn’t until I was nearing the end that I realized that I needed to grow up myself in order to understand my characters better. I needed life to happen to write that plot, and well, yes you could say that I have no regrets.

I’ve been going back to a lot of things, actually. Aside from the novel, I’ve also gone back to work (Hullo, Radish!). My WIP over there needs almost as much attention, so yes. And then there’s me reinstalling Photoshop and some other software. I missed editing? A few months back, my roommates and I made this little retreat video for one of our old friends and I was in charge of directing and editing and when I showed them the final product, they were in love with it so much. They actually suggested that we should try vlogging. I’ve been meaning to vlog for years now and well, maybe this year I’ll finally give it a shot. So yes, expect videos from time to time on this thing?

So much is going on that I honestly do not know what to write about first!

My thoughts are a mess right now — in a good way, don’t worry — because of this little overdrive but needless to say, yes I am still alive and I am back to manning this blog. I suppose I just wanted to drop in and give a little update.

PS

I am currently trying to tweak this little thing up. Old posts may be deleted, but all are backed up in my other personal blog.

It has been ages since I last updated this thing and I feel so ashamed because my only excuse is that I forgot my password! Shame. Anywho, I am back at university and so far, my first wo weeks have been…quiet. We’ve already chosen our thesis partners (Hi, Maryel!) so technically the battle has begun but have just set sail so things should be smooth. For now.

My life has been a series of both ups and downs but like I promised myself earlier during the beginning of this month, I am focusing on the good aspects of my life which brings me to this short list of lovely little things that have happened recently:

• I am seeing (and meeting!!!) The Maine again this June! The best part is that Kat is coming with me!!!
• A ROCKET TO THE MOON GOT BACK TOGETHER FOR 8123 FEST AND OH MY LORD SOMEONE HOLD ME AND TAKE ME BACK TO WHEN I WAS YOUNGER
• Jann and I finally ticked off something from our bucketlist yesterday: Intramuros (I promised him we’d add it to the list because he has never hung around there yet) we went to church, had a fancy lunch and just watched the city go by over at one of the walls. ‘Twas great.
• I honestly missed my roommates
• and all of my friends in general
• aaaaand the Manila food wow
• I also recently got invited to writer for Radish! Check out the app and look for my story, it’s called “By The Time You Read This”
• Speaking of novels, the novel is almost finished. Wink, wink.

I was pretty busy over the holidays and so much has happened since then. From finally mustering the strength to chop off my hair, to working on my novel and finally getting past the half mark, to watching films with my best friends, spontaneous family trips and now, a job as a contributor to this rising app, you could say that my 2017 started off great.

Although I am feeling bits of pressure here and there with all that’s being stacked before me, I am taking it all one at a time. I can do this. With all that has happened to me, I know in my heart that I do deserve good things in life.

I have a few more days before I leave for university and believe it or not, I am actually looking forward to coming back to the city. I am; however, savoring every ounce of home as much as I can — especially the food. I have been eating nonstop and I honestly wouldn’t be all too surprised if I face difficulties getting into my uniform a few weeks from now.

I just finished sifting through two boxes of books from one of my grandmothers and I really must find some time to read them all, which is hard because all I have been doing is writing. And to think I always thought that the 24 hours were only never enough whenever uni wasn’t around. I thought wrong.

Anyway, I should really start to declutter this blog because look at this mess!!! Also, I need to work on some more articles.

MASSIVE LIFE UPDATE:

It isn’t a secret that this sem was basically hell on earth for me, I am quite positive that we have established that long ago already. It is; however, over but before I begin my joyous post regarding the last leg of hell alongside the great past few days with my dear boy and my friends, something happened this afternoon.

To save everyone from the long and cumbersome version of the story, basically, my mother found out about my depression (yes, I am using the word) and everything I have been doing like my drinking and all that. To show everyone the weight of this, I’ll give a little more context: my mother and I used to be very close. Don’t get me wrong, we still are but ever since I turned bad again I’ve been shutting everyone out. Including her. Needless to say, there was a dramatic confrontation and tears and then finally, me coming clean.

And when all was put out in the open, my mother being my mother understood and now I am fully dead set on making a complete comeback. I won’t lie, when the confrontation first happened I just wanted to disappear like I always do but all things happen for a reason because now I know in my heart that I can get better and I will and for the first time in so long, I actually believe it. I am not alone and I need to keep focusing on the light and not the darkness that I have left behind.

I have been promising myself that I’d try harder and with the past semester having officially ushered out in the best way by me and my friends, this emotional reunion with my mother just sealed the deal airtight. I can do this.

Focusing and going back to the past few days I have been talking about though, it all started with my boyfriend and I going to see Rogue One (which was absolutely superb, mind you. Will probably work on a review later). I also took the opportunity to shop and afterwards we headed back because we booked a room at the H2O Hotel and again, it did not fail to impress.

The following day, we had a fancy date at Harbor View and the food was just as amazing as the view. It’s a wonderful life, my dear friends. After lunch, we headed for UST to meet up with our friends for Paskuhan and from laughter, to hundreds of photos (will upload later!), to the much-awaited fireworks, and of course after Paskuhan, the semester – as crappy as it may have been – was ended in every spectacular way possible.

Things have been rough for me for god only knows how long now and this semester made me relapse in ways I could have never imagined. I am not proud of that, but there is always hope and I will cling to that. This day marks the end of my looking back.

PS: I will most likely be exporting this blog to WordPress.